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i can't really explain how it happened, why i suddenly felt the urge to create a new home for my brain at 2 am on a tuesday night / wednesday early morning. all i know is that i was listening to James Blake's first album, maybe that's what triggered everything. yes, that's it: i was reading a book that i was mildly interested in when i heard "tep and logic" and it suddenly reminded me of the first time i heard that album - how crazy, how terribly insane it made me. i remember that my spanish family was at my house, it was around christmas. i remember being overwhelmed by their presence, by all the noise and conversation and opinions and just overall mediteranean loudness, i guess. i remember very clearly thinking that i needed a break, an escape. not just from them, but from everything. my mind was trapped inside the maze of depression, i'd follow the frustrated orders of people from the outside world and would only run into walls, over and over again. i was sad, empty and completely and utterly lost.

that's when that album leaked into my life. i remember it very clearly. i'd put my headphones on, the volume to the max, and the rest of the world would disappear for a little while. i remember how good it felt to drown myself in all the intricate vocals, all the complex layers of sound. it felt fucking incredible. magical even. it made my skin and my ears tingle with excitment. i remember the lyrics "my brother and my sister don't speak to me / but i don't blame 'em" how satisfying those words felt, because they were mirroring something, a feeling and an anger that would brew inside me for 7+ years without me even knowing it. i remember that christmas as being the one where my dad got really ill. i remember crying during James Blake's concert months later, front row. i remember because it suddenly dawned on me how fragile life really is. i also remember because somehow, i had that feeling buzzing in the pit of my stomach, the certainty that everything was about to change. that i had changed. and that i would be alright.

and here i am, seven years later, listening to this album as i'm typing this. other memories are floating back to the surface of my mind, but they're too blurry and fuzzy for me to grab and understand them.

all i know is that it's 2 am on a tuesday night / wednesday early morning and that it feels good to drown my thoughts underneath layers and layers of sound. it feels like a warm blanket i can hide into, a familiar perfume that reminds me once again, that whatever happens from now on, i'm going to be alright xx

 

art by laure prouvost